PastPoop

5/18/2003-Family Values Enterprises Proudly Presents:The Catholic Channel!

Recently, I discovered the most insane piece of television I have ever seen. Seems the Catholics use their offering money for more than choir boy butt banging parties. They now have a channel. Oh my God... I stumbled upon this odd piece of televised nuttiness by accident. The time I did they were chanting the Rosary. For a solid fucking hour!

I don't know if this station is national, but where I live in Wisconsin it's channel 11. 24 hours of Catholic brainwashing. They have hour after hour of Catholic history, chanting, penance, Pope stuff, and a show I call the Sadist Nun Happy Hour. More on that in a bit.

Before I go further with this, let me insert a disclaimer. I am a Christian. I believe In Jesus Christ, but I'm not part of a denomination of Christianity. I was raised Lutheran, but they're fucked, so I ignore that. The intent here is no to piss on God like some heathen bastard, but to show another exapmle of why Catholics are the world's most perfect sychophants.

Now that I have digressed, let me get back to some of the finer programs of this sordid station. I referred to the Sadist Nun. This old crone must suffer from dust bunnies in utero. This babe has some serious repression going on. She airs for an hour teaching some of the finer lessons of the BIble. Nothing wrong with that, but she starts pointing out why if these rules are not followed, it breeds "queers, pornographers, and drug people." That was an actual quote. In my experience, Catholicism breeds Cathoholics who need far more treatment than any druggie. Again, I digress. She also takes callers, who are usually Catholic, and asks questions. If she's having rectal itch that day she tends to lure the caller into confessing something. I always thought that confession was private, but it's a fucked practice anyway. Instead of privately admitting sins to God, she airs their crap by slyly pulling it out of them and hammers them with verbal abuse. She also gets red faced, and forms spittle webs on the sides of her mouth. There's more to her activites, but I'm saving that for another piece altogether as each successive show I watch she gets worse. I'm praying for a horny monk to finally pop her sun dried cherry and end her insanity.

Another oft shown program is "The Life and Times of Pope John Paul II." Fairly normal documentary to start, but the program ends up making him look like God himself. I know the Cathoholics revere their 'only' conduit to God, but damn. They showed him making a speech after 9/11,and he literally drooled on himself. The guy looked like he was more interested in Vittorio the Tenor than reading his incoherent ramblings. He was shown blessing people all over Syria, and looked like he shit his pants in the process. Seriously, this guy needs to retire. It was also expalined that the Pope is anointed by God. Bullshit. He's elected by the Vatican. Ze Pope d' Poopoo was also propagandasized as being the 'unifier of all religions.' He supposedly travels around between heart attacks and makes pals with Muslims, and other denominations of Christianity. Funny, Catholics always seem to look down on everyone else, and that's why most people despise them anyway. UberPope Johnny was shown talking to a Muslim leader and spoke as if he had a little too much communal wine. The translator even took 30 minutes trying to decipher his mutterings. I only imagine Ozzy understanding him.

Alright, so I shit on the Pope and nuns. Big deal, all Catholic school kids agree with me. But if you can pick this up on your t.v. (if you have a super satellite package I'm sure you can) do so. They air live from the Vatican, and various Catholic dwellings worldwide.Then they go berserk. They inform you the viewer to chant for an hour, pay your church dues, and not to masturbate. Seriosuly folks, this stuff is better than Comedy Central at times. Learn and laugh at the Catholics' expense and feel good knowing you're going to burn for doing it. Just kidding you pricks. God Bless you all.

-Insidious_T