PastPoop

5/15/2003-Thus Spake The Goober

I'm fascinated by people on the fringe. This world would be a complete bore without those whose neurons misfire, or have chemical imbalances that no pill or electrodes to the balls can cure. Truthfully, I am one of those people, but to a milder degree. Yesterday however, I encountered the greatest batch of lunatics this side of Menudo.

My eldest daughter had a half day, so I took her and my youngest to a local zoo. In Wisconsin, seems most zoos are free, so it didn't cost shit. We strolled along taking in the racoons, bobcats, and monkeys. My eldest suggested a trip to the snake house, and there we found something far more interesting.....

As we entered, I heard an ungodly wail, as if someone just had their toes soldered together. As we moved forward we heard other incoherent mutterings, and the flanging of hands on glass. We turned the corner and found a chain gang of local residents from the nut/tard house strung together like veal awaiting the slaughterhouse. My oldest wanted to leave upon receipt of this sight, but I insisted to the contrary.

All of these folks were dressed in their own particular attire, but the whole chain gang thing fucked me up. It was though their personal zookeepers were trying to hide the fact they were either retarded, or insane. Truthfully, I never found out where they were from, but a half rack of these folks implied asylum or state driven 'assisted living.' I walked closer to the Burmese pythons, and listened intently to the incoherent wailings and moans, and occasional shreiks of joy. It was then.... the devil awakened.

I moved toward the back of these handicapables, to stay away from their guards. In the back, a guy I shall call Happy, was drooling and tard laughing. As I approached, I think he kept saying 'SNNNEEEKKKKEEE' or something. I smiled. He kept pointing at the pythons, and moaning, and as I got next to him, I said; "Splunge is for splunge."

That was a bad idea.

He then started yelling at the top of his lungs; "SPPPLLLLUUNNNGGGEEE!!!!". Now I was freaked. Like a mongoloid parrot he kept repeating it. One of his overseers, a real lump of a woman, came up and told him to be quiet. As she moved him toward the front of the line, he looked at me as if I had just murdered him, and pointed at me still belting his new mantra. As he passed, he looked at my oldest, who quickly moved behind me.

But it doesn't end there.

While he was moving to the head of the class, all the others began to chant. Cries of "SSSSPPPLLLUUUNNNGGEEE" reverberated through the hall. I was impressed. Three words and I'd started a fucking riot. They became so excited they couldn't stand still. Their S.S. escorts tried in vain to keep the modicum of control they had before my fateful gospel. All the while I was giggling like a school girl in heat.

Now, as they were herded out, they became real agitated, and got LOUDER. Two minutes after they left, I could still hear that motto being uttered in unison. As my daughters and I moved about the zoo grounds, we still heard it. I was deeply moved by this. I had merely attempted to have a conversation with one who could not, and ended up delivering a religious experience. I wonder what splunge meant to him? Perhaps splunge is the meaning of their lives. Maybe splunge is the answer to the riddle of the universe, the meaning of life. In any event, I would've killed to see how the rest of the day with those folks went. I imagine the caretakers going nuts and being locked up for saying splunge too. I may never know.

-Insidious_T