PastPoop

4/29/2003-Here Come the Bastards

Seems this new 'mystery' illness called SARS, cough*biotech*cough, has finally done some good. Yesterday, Toronto was declared by the World Health Organization to be unfit to visit. About time someone figured that out. Anyway, Toronto's mayor, Mel Lastman got pissed, and said 'Toronto is safe for everyone.' What an irresponsible douchebag. Fuck everyone's health, keep the city open he says.

The fun doesn't end there though. A soccer team from that infected Canuck town was told to stay home by American authorities, and their match against a Pennsylvania team was indefinitely cancelled. One of the girls on the Canadian team whined about missing her chance for a soccer scholarship. Well boo fucking hoo little one, like America needs any more infections from Canada. We're still pissed about your stance in the war, kicking Avril Lavigne down here, and having some of the fugliest women in the world.

While it's disheartening to see this new virus spread worldwide, I'm glad the Canadians are getting a good ball crunching from it. To me, it seems from the geographic concentration of the major outbreaks, that Canada and Asia were heavily targeted. Targeted you say? You mean this is a terrorist virus? Of course it is dumbass. Don't you play Resident Evil? This whole thing reeks of biotech gone silly, and I think I've solved whodunit.

Let's first review the facts: SARS appeared suddenly and acts very much like the strain of influenza that spread worldwide during W.W.I. It's a respritatory ailment, and has a nasty tendency to bump people off. It first appeared in Hong Kong, China, and other Asian countries. Somehow Canada got a really big whiff of the shit, and it's causing all sorts of health and diplomatic issues. So, looking at these facts, who would seem to benefit the most from Asia and Canada getting a population reduction and a nice fat quarantine? Here's a list of countries or groups who either had the means to make SARS, or a reason to unload it.

Suspect 1:The U.S. Although Canada getting a nice steel toe to the balls is funny, the danger of the shit spreading here, which it is, hardly constitutes our wanting to send a nice lab virus into their atmosphere. As for Asia, they make burly movies and manufacture 90% of the stuff we buy. hardly any advantage in either case.

Suspect 2: Hussein's lab monkeys. Possible, but highly unlikely. Seems the Iraqi techs don't even realize that twinkies have a shelf life, so I doubt they could make anything as interesting as SARS.

Suspect 3: Japan. Of all the countries in Asia infected, Japan is relatively unscathed. Sure, they got some of it, but look at their population density. One would think they'd be hella more infected, but they aren't. However, Japan is innocent. They have little to gain from spreading shit to the mainland, and they too make awesome movies. Especially TokiMeki Sekuhara. Good stuff.

Suspect 4: France. I blame them for everything, so here they are.

Suspect 5: Brazil. See above comment.

Suspect 6: Ted Koppel. Just look at the dude. that cold, constipated expression, and bad toupee just scream villain. His reasons would be unknown, but villains never have rhyme or reason, they're just naughty.

Finally, Suspect 7: The Church of Scientology. Remember that report I did on their plans for world domination? Seems they discovered the leak about their plans a long time ago, and switched tactics. SARS is actually made from mutated colon polyp nuclei from L. Ron himself. The Assbastard had a backup to bring the world in line. The latent illness was spread upon his death in 1986, to Chinese prostitutes, and remained in incubative state until 2001. Soon, the Church will miraculously discover an effective technique for eliminating SARS. This will bring praise upon them, and they will begin seducing the world with their miracle cures for every other illness they created, such as, AIDS, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, itchy balls, anal fissures, Travolta's career, and New Wave Coke. Be aware my friends, as Primus once said:

'Here they come, here come the bastards, bury your head deep in the sand...' -

From the album 'Sailing the Seas of Cheese' which is so badass you're a moron if you missed it. It's cheap now, so go get it. there's no excuse not to.

-Insidious_T