PastPoop

4/23/2003-The Glory of Wisconsin Life

Wisconsin is a beautiful land. A world of natural beauty, mostly untouched by the scouring hands of man. Lush forests, endless fields, tremendous lakes.The spectacles here are a site to behold. For the civilized folk, there is the splendor of Green Bay, museums aplenty, and some of the finest restaurants and local art I've seen anywhere. Yes, there is much to love about my new adopted home, but underneath, and sometimes out in the open, there is some of the weirdest shit I've ever seen.

For starters there's the Packers fanaticism. Not since I first viewed Triumph of the Will have I seen people so enthralled by nothing. During the football season, pretty much every place except Wal*Mart is closed during a fucking game. If the FudgePackers actually win a game, the beer which constantly flows here tends to become a flood. Drunken paper mill workers begin singing the praises to Almighty God for the win. I've even seen church sermons appealing to the Lord for a win. The way I see it, Wisconsinites are going straight to hell, along with Brett Favre. If the Packer-of-Asses lose, then there's hell to pay. Everyone bitches about calls they think lost the advantage, no matter how ludricrous. When I worked at a dollar store here, a guy told me the Packers lost due to wind resistance from the new stadium, and that the ref was a card carrying member of the Communist Party.

Then there's the stupid Packers promo nights. My favorite was the night they gave away candy to the public. One of the main treats was fudge. I'm sure you can figure out the punchline there. There's also the those fucking cheesehead hats. It's funny too cause Wisconsin cheese tastes like ballsweat and smegma. Give me Tillamook any day.

Another toilet of contention is the culture here. People here are pretty backward. It's a funny day when some middle ager discovers that he can now use the net to DOWNLOAD his lesbian goat porn instead of getting his neighbor's daughter to pose with the sheep. There is also more alcoholics here than I care to see. Although the bars here are both rustic as well as modern, the drunks are very hillbilly. They drawl in the damn Wisconsin accent about how they got a new snowplow cheap, and they ripped the dealer off. This incident occured in June by the way.

We also have the younger generation that dress and act like gangstas. WEEEESSSSCCCONNNSSIIN REPRESENTIN! Milwaukee is a ghetto, true, but I live nearly three hours north of it. In my area we got teens and twentysomethings bumping Eminem in their rusted out '81 Citations. WHHEEE! Makes one wish to kill himself. I cannot convey the comedy of these sakwashes, but if you ever come here, you'll see what I mean.

What about zee wimmen of Weesconsin mein herr? Are zey truly zee frumpbags of which I hear?

Well, you heard wrong. They're worse. Women here are generally good until they hit age 25. Then they tend to get knocked up, decide AquaNet Waterfall hairdos are the shit, and decide a 90 inch asscheek circumfrence constitutes 'style.' Yeah, we get some occasional nice looking ones that break that mold, but they're called tourists. Next..

The Mullet is Wisconsin's contribution to popular culture. The 80's ended 13 years ago, but people still wear the damn things. People over age 30 tend to have them, including straight women, and if you're poor here, you MUST have one son in a mullet. How anyone can sport such a creation of Hell and think it looks good escapes me. I've spent many a day counting mullets for lack of better things to do, and I also started to classify them till I found a website that already did.

The most common question then is why am I here? Why did I leave Seattle to frolick with the shit shovelers? Well, cause Washington's worse. Only my wife works right now, and we're getting ahead in finances. There's no heavy ass taxation here, even though this state is in as much as debt as every other. Overhead costs are cheaper, as is rent. Also I like the view here. Sure the people can be a little primitive, and even sometimes obscenely pathetic, but you get that anywhere. The real reason I'm here is to provide all 3 of our readers with insightful views into other sides of American culture. The Midwest is fucked folks, but probably not any worse than your town.

-Insidious_T