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PastPoop 5/18/2003-Family Values Enterprises Proudly Presents:The Catholic Channel!
Recently, I discovered the most insane piece of television I have ever
seen. Seems the Catholics use their offering money for more than choir
boy butt banging parties. They now have a channel. Oh my God... I stumbled
upon this odd piece of televised nuttiness by accident. The time I did
they were chanting the Rosary. For a solid fucking hour!
I don't know if this station is national, but where I live in Wisconsin
it's channel 11. 24 hours of Catholic brainwashing. They have hour after
hour of Catholic history, chanting, penance, Pope stuff, and a show I
call the Sadist Nun Happy Hour. More on that in a bit.
Before I go further with this, let me insert a disclaimer. I am a Christian.
I believe In Jesus Christ, but I'm not part of a denomination of Christianity.
I was raised Lutheran, but they're fucked, so I ignore that. The intent
here is no to piss on God like some heathen bastard, but to show another
exapmle of why Catholics are the world's most perfect sychophants.
Now that I have digressed, let me get back to some of the finer programs
of this sordid station. I referred to the Sadist Nun. This old crone must
suffer from dust bunnies in utero. This babe has some serious repression
going on. She airs for an hour teaching some of the finer lessons of the
BIble. Nothing wrong with that, but she starts pointing out why if these
rules are not followed, it breeds "queers, pornographers, and drug
people." That was an actual quote. In my experience, Catholicism
breeds Cathoholics who need far more treatment than any druggie. Again,
I digress. She also takes callers, who are usually Catholic, and asks
questions. If she's having rectal itch that day she tends to lure the
caller into confessing something. I always thought that confession was
private, but it's a fucked practice anyway. Instead of privately admitting
sins to God, she airs their crap by slyly pulling it out of them and hammers
them with verbal abuse. She also gets red faced, and forms spittle webs
on the sides of her mouth. There's more to her activites, but I'm saving
that for another piece altogether as each successive show I watch she
gets worse. I'm praying for a horny monk to finally pop her sun dried
cherry and end her insanity.
Another oft shown program is "The Life and Times of Pope John Paul
II." Fairly normal documentary to start, but the program ends up
making him look like God himself. I know the Cathoholics revere their
'only' conduit to God, but damn. They showed him making a speech after
9/11,and he literally drooled on himself. The guy looked like he was more
interested in Vittorio the Tenor than reading his incoherent ramblings.
He was shown blessing people all over Syria, and looked like he shit his
pants in the process. Seriously, this guy needs to retire. It was also
expalined that the Pope is anointed by God. Bullshit. He's elected by
the Vatican. Ze Pope d' Poopoo was also propagandasized as being the 'unifier
of all religions.' He supposedly travels around between heart attacks
and makes pals with Muslims, and other denominations of Christianity.
Funny, Catholics always seem to look down on everyone else, and that's
why most people despise them anyway. UberPope Johnny was shown talking
to a Muslim leader and spoke as if he had a little too much communal wine.
The translator even took 30 minutes trying to decipher his mutterings.
I only imagine Ozzy understanding him.
Alright, so I shit on the Pope and nuns. Big deal, all Catholic school
kids agree with me. But if you can pick this up on your t.v. (if you have
a super satellite package I'm sure you can) do so. They air live from
the Vatican, and various Catholic dwellings worldwide.Then they go berserk.
They inform you the viewer to chant for an hour, pay your church dues,
and not to masturbate. Seriosuly folks, this stuff is better than Comedy
Central at times. Learn and laugh at the Catholics' expense and feel good
knowing you're going to burn for doing it. Just kidding you pricks. God
Bless you all.
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