PastPoop
6/15/2003-Conspiracy Theories: Lifestyles of the Socially Impaired
Recently, I have been reintroduced to an asinine subculture of society
that truly defines the term social misfit. Of course, by the title, if
you read the title, I'm talking about the 'intellectuals' that wax lyrical
about why things are the way they are through the phenomenon known as
the conspiracy. I'm not talking about people chatting about The Zapruder
tapes of Kennedy kidding a .22 rifle flat top and that Oswald had some
CIA help, I'm talking about cooking up conspiracies ala The Matrix. There
is a huge community of sun deprived twent-thirtysomething virgins that
have nothing better to do than blame every catastrophe, social injustice,
movie, political event, or new Pepsi product on some unseen hand that
has a grandiose vision and that the preceeding event was merely a stepping
stone to victory.
I need not to review any cases here. If you want to see some jockrot
inducing theories click
here. Instead, I want to dissect the minds of these idiots and learn
why they do what they do. Here's a breakdown of what creates a conspiracy
minded mind, and what to do if you encounter one.
So If You Don't Rate Just Overcompensate.
1: Sexually deprived people (both sexes) that have no luck in the art
of mating tend to feel inferior. This is dangerous, as it builds a subconscious
desire to transcend the 'norm' and establish an aspect of their identity
that stands apart from the rest. They either become cultists, drug abusers,
fans of Marilyn Manson, or conspiracy theorists to name a few. The rejected
individual tends to enhance their intellectual standing as a means to
compensate for a small penis, beer gut, or third nipple. The problem is
most conspiracies revolve around someone watching them, which means they
baselessly believe they're more important than they are.
2: Homebodies watching too much of the X-Files and learning they have
an online connection.
3: Um... that's it.
Alrighty, that was comprehensive, wasn't it? Let's see what boils in
the minds of these monkeys once they embrace their lunacy and fall further
into their flourescent tanned isolation.
You Don't Know the Power of the Dark Side....
Once an individual has begun the descent, he finds others like him/herself.
This contact usually takes place online in a forum or chat designed to
reveal and discuss conspiracies. Of course, they all have such nifty names
like ShadowedEye, or TruthUnbound2. Yeah...... Anyway, they begin to infuse
their madness by those already hopelessly afflicted. They may have only
come to a chat believeing that Pokemon is a vehicle for Furry porn, but
the more they linger, they soon begin to click the links offered and before
long they believe their toilets are monitored for dietary content by the
FBI. At this stage the prognosis is grim. They are bonafide losers, and
that ends this topic. This of course must bring us to.....
What To Do To These Morons If Encountered.
Easy..Heckle the shit out of them! Best way to do this is by cooking up
some really whacked theory, or by pretending you're in on the conspiracy
and that you must silence them if they keep talking. You'd be surprised
how well this works. Paranoia is probably man's funniest trait next to
urinating with an erection. Fan the flame of their madness, they're hopeless
anyway, so make 'em nuts and maybe they'll go apeshit and eventually be
commited. The thing to remember here is that these imbeciles believe they're
in on a dirty secret and are proud to expose these injustices to further
man's progress. The reality is they're nobodies, they are only subconsciously
aware of it, and they're also pretty gullible. They cite all this information
which is usually supplied by someone with a nifty geocities page. I'm
serious. Click this link
again and you'll see. It is your job as a citizen to compound their madness
and hope that one day all conspiracists will one day implode, or spontaneous
immolate due to microwave radiation being poured into their heads by aliens.
Remember however, forums are difficult to stay in if you don't go this
route and just decide to taunt them with verbal abuse. These people usually
write about fascist censorships, only to censor those who don't agree
with their askew world views. Double standards are another feature of
these fools.
There you have it. A retard's guide to galactic conspiracists.....Um...
I don't know how to end this.....I know!, another nifty pic to distract
you from current literary shortcomings! Look below and forget that I tarded
on ending this.
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