PastPoop

6/15/2003-Conspiracy Theories: Lifestyles of the Socially Impaired

Recently, I have been reintroduced to an asinine subculture of society that truly defines the term social misfit. Of course, by the title, if you read the title, I'm talking about the 'intellectuals' that wax lyrical about why things are the way they are through the phenomenon known as the conspiracy. I'm not talking about people chatting about The Zapruder tapes of Kennedy kidding a .22 rifle flat top and that Oswald had some CIA help, I'm talking about cooking up conspiracies ala The Matrix. There is a huge community of sun deprived twent-thirtysomething virgins that have nothing better to do than blame every catastrophe, social injustice, movie, political event, or new Pepsi product on some unseen hand that has a grandiose vision and that the preceeding event was merely a stepping stone to victory.

I need not to review any cases here. If you want to see some jockrot inducing theories click here. Instead, I want to dissect the minds of these idiots and learn why they do what they do. Here's a breakdown of what creates a conspiracy minded mind, and what to do if you encounter one.

So If You Don't Rate Just Overcompensate.

1: Sexually deprived people (both sexes) that have no luck in the art of mating tend to feel inferior. This is dangerous, as it builds a subconscious desire to transcend the 'norm' and establish an aspect of their identity that stands apart from the rest. They either become cultists, drug abusers, fans of Marilyn Manson, or conspiracy theorists to name a few. The rejected individual tends to enhance their intellectual standing as a means to compensate for a small penis, beer gut, or third nipple. The problem is most conspiracies revolve around someone watching them, which means they baselessly believe they're more important than they are.

2: Homebodies watching too much of the X-Files and learning they have an online connection.

3: Um... that's it.

Alrighty, that was comprehensive, wasn't it? Let's see what boils in the minds of these monkeys once they embrace their lunacy and fall further into their flourescent tanned isolation.

You Don't Know the Power of the Dark Side....

Once an individual has begun the descent, he finds others like him/herself. This contact usually takes place online in a forum or chat designed to reveal and discuss conspiracies. Of course, they all have such nifty names like ShadowedEye, or TruthUnbound2. Yeah...... Anyway, they begin to infuse their madness by those already hopelessly afflicted. They may have only come to a chat believeing that Pokemon is a vehicle for Furry porn, but the more they linger, they soon begin to click the links offered and before long they believe their toilets are monitored for dietary content by the FBI. At this stage the prognosis is grim. They are bonafide losers, and that ends this topic. This of course must bring us to.....

What To Do To These Morons If Encountered.

Easy..Heckle the shit out of them! Best way to do this is by cooking up some really whacked theory, or by pretending you're in on the conspiracy and that you must silence them if they keep talking. You'd be surprised how well this works. Paranoia is probably man's funniest trait next to urinating with an erection. Fan the flame of their madness, they're hopeless anyway, so make 'em nuts and maybe they'll go apeshit and eventually be commited. The thing to remember here is that these imbeciles believe they're in on a dirty secret and are proud to expose these injustices to further man's progress. The reality is they're nobodies, they are only subconsciously aware of it, and they're also pretty gullible. They cite all this information which is usually supplied by someone with a nifty geocities page. I'm serious. Click this link again and you'll see. It is your job as a citizen to compound their madness and hope that one day all conspiracists will one day implode, or spontaneous immolate due to microwave radiation being poured into their heads by aliens. Remember however, forums are difficult to stay in if you don't go this route and just decide to taunt them with verbal abuse. These people usually write about fascist censorships, only to censor those who don't agree with their askew world views. Double standards are another feature of these fools.

There you have it. A retard's guide to galactic conspiracists.....Um... I don't know how to end this.....I know!, another nifty pic to distract you from current literary shortcomings! Look below and forget that I tarded on ending this.

-Insidious_T