PastPoop

4/17/2003-Do not pass Go, do not collect $200

Dude,

Enough allready.

Is it too much to ask to move forward in my life?

I've worked for it man, I did, honestly.

What do you mean I owe you money!?

What are you talking about? You didn't send me a statement!

Well, if I got a statement, I would have paid that.

Well can you at least remove the late fees?

What do you mean NO!? It's your fault!

Fine! I'll pay it! But don't expect me to buy a life here again, asshole!

Well, here it is. Another update from me. I need to find something to release all this boredom I've collected. It feels as if I'm a pressure cooker of boredom, ready to explode boredom everywhere, starting a massive outbreak of boredom. Before you know it the Boredom plauge will have spread across the face of the United States. Everyone will thumb their asses, waiting for something to do.

Conversations like this will take place:

"What do you want to do?"

"Shit Dude, I dunno... man I'm bored"

"Wanna watch a Pauly Shore movie?"

"No, but I will anyway because I'M SO BORED"

And then it happens.

When I was younger, it was easier to spend boredom points. Mainly because you had that option of getting your Juvenile records sealed when you turn 18. Things like playing with explosives didn't have the repercussions as they do when you're an adult.

So you go to bars, a cheap replacement, and try and find a good time there. I've found that unless there's naked tittie girls dancing about, bars aren't that fun. And the bars with the naked tittie girls are too expensive to go to on a nightly basis.

You suggest drinking? Again that was something that was more fun young, than it is now. You had that element of danger, and you were still underage, so you could do better drunk stuff than you can when your a legal adult. I don't think the judge would cut you a break if you were caught pissing in the gas tank of your boss's car if you're 32.

So the answer to all of this is... we just need to get better about not getting caught. That's right! Maybe that will add more exitement to the equation. Now that you have REAL consequences, you gotta push your talents to the limits.

But don't worry! If you're a raging moron, I'll give you a list to help you in your quest.

Step1: Kill all the witnesses.

I know to the uninitiated, this sounds a big drastic. But your friend is the only thing that stands between your freedom, and possible 24 or even 48 hours in the county jail for egging Mrs. Fulenbacher's house. A suggestion is ice em right on the spot, so it looks as if he was overcome with grief at what he'd done and killed himself.

Step 2: Kill all possible witnesses.

This is a bit tricky. The best tactic is find all the people that breathed the air within a 5 mile radius of your prank, and kill them till they don't live. I suggest a stretch or some jogging before you do this because that's alot of killing you're gonna have to do, and you don't want to get a stitch in your side.

Step 3: Set fire to the scene of the crime.

This eliminates any evidence of your misdeeds. You run the risk of going to jail for arson, but if you repeat steps 1 and 2 you should be in the clear.

Step 4: Have an alabi.

If or when the police show up, make sure you can account for your whereabouts during the time of your crime. I find that telling the cop "I was humping your mom/wife!" works the best.

After that, it's all personal style choices.

Just remember, STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD! You psycho!

-BarnyardMessiah