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PastPoop 5/15/2003-Thus Spake The Goober
I'm fascinated by people on the fringe. This world would be a complete
bore without those whose neurons misfire, or have chemical imbalances
that no pill or electrodes to the balls can cure. Truthfully, I am one
of those people, but to a milder degree. Yesterday however, I encountered
the greatest batch of lunatics this side of Menudo.
My eldest daughter had a half day, so I took her and my youngest to
a local zoo. In Wisconsin, seems most zoos are free, so it didn't cost
shit. We strolled along taking in the racoons, bobcats, and monkeys. My
eldest suggested a trip to the snake house, and there we found something
far more interesting.....
As we entered, I heard an ungodly wail, as if someone just had their
toes soldered together. As we moved forward we heard other incoherent
mutterings, and the flanging of hands on glass. We turned the corner and
found a chain gang of local residents from the nut/tard house strung together
like veal awaiting the slaughterhouse. My oldest wanted to leave upon
receipt of this sight, but I insisted to the contrary.
All of these folks were dressed in their own particular attire, but
the whole chain gang thing fucked me up. It was though their personal
zookeepers were trying to hide the fact they were either retarded, or
insane. Truthfully, I never found out where they were from, but a half
rack of these folks implied asylum or state driven 'assisted living.'
I walked closer to the Burmese pythons, and listened intently to the incoherent
wailings and moans, and occasional shreiks of joy. It was then.... the
devil awakened.
I moved toward the back of these handicapables, to stay away from their
guards. In the back, a guy I shall call Happy, was drooling and tard laughing.
As I approached, I think he kept saying 'SNNNEEEKKKKEEE' or something.
I smiled. He kept pointing at the pythons, and moaning, and as I got next
to him, I said; "Splunge
is for splunge."
That was a bad idea.
He then started yelling at the top of his lungs; "SPPPLLLLUUNNNGGGEEE!!!!".
Now I was freaked. Like a mongoloid parrot he kept repeating it. One of
his overseers, a real lump of a woman, came up and told him to be quiet.
As she moved him toward the front of the line, he looked at me as if I
had just murdered him, and pointed at me still belting his new mantra.
As he passed, he looked at my oldest, who quickly moved behind me.
But it doesn't end there.
While he was moving to the head of the class, all the others began to
chant. Cries of "SSSSPPPLLLUUUNNNGGEEE" reverberated through
the hall. I was impressed. Three words and I'd started a fucking riot.
They became so excited they couldn't stand still. Their S.S. escorts tried
in vain to keep the modicum of control they had before my fateful gospel.
All the while I was giggling like a school girl in heat.
Now, as they were herded out, they became real agitated, and got LOUDER.
Two minutes after they left, I could still hear that motto being uttered
in unison. As my daughters and I moved about the zoo grounds, we still
heard it. I was deeply moved by this. I had merely attempted to have a
conversation with one who could not, and ended up delivering a religious
experience. I wonder what splunge meant to him? Perhaps splunge is the
meaning of their lives. Maybe splunge is the answer to the riddle of the
universe, the meaning of life. In any event, I would've killed to see
how the rest of the day with those folks went. I imagine the caretakers
going nuts and being locked up for saying splunge too. I may never know.
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