PastPoop

4/30/2003-NO: The Argument Ender

I have found over the course of my time here on earth that there are certain individuals who will never accept anything other than their answers to anything. It doesn't matter what the question or problem is, they will come up with or repeat an answer they heard and that will be it. What’s worse is that if you get tired of arguing with them over this and walk away or just tell them your done arguing, they will not accept that you don't agree with them and pursue you. They will actually try to keep the argument going because someone not agreeing with them is blow to their ego or some crap. What makes this even worse is that most of the time it's not about anything important. The arguments are about song lyrics, erect nipples, and stupid shit like that. This goes beyond just being stubborn and transcends into a higher plane of stupid. Fear not I have been developing a verbal technique that can be used to stop incidents like this. If the verbal technique doesn't work I will show you how to end these arguments using various forms of physical techniques that can be accomplished using what ever is at hand and possibly just your bare hands.

Verbal Technique

The verbal technique is what I like to call sonic denunciation. Generally how you accomplish this feat is by planting your feet and going into a martial arts stance. Once you've planted your feet, and assumed a stance you then extend your right (or left depending on your handedness) arm. Once the arm is extended you then extend your pointer finger into the face of the relentless arguer. Once all this has been done, take a deep breath. The deepest breath you can take. Hold that breath and then from deep with in screaming with all your rage and anger shout "NO!" releasing it in a hail of spit and phlegmy missiles. Now remember simply screaming "No!" will not suffice, you need to dig deep within. Dig deep into that place in your soul where you've hidden those moments of shame and frustration. Find that moment deep with in when you were kicked in the nuts in third grade by your best friend on the playground in front of everybody. Harness that confusion. Grab that frustration you felt as you fell to the ground with tears in your eyes and drag it back out kicking and screaming. Unbury the memories of being in hole and your friend dumping dirt all over your head and down your shirt. Utilize what ever you can to put fear onto the face of your opponent.

The audible part of you denouncing won't be as convincing if you don't have a visual component. I'm talking about pictures or signs. I'm talking about the expression on your face. Remember all those Vietnam movies where they talk about putting on a war face when going into battle? You need to do this, because always remember that this IS a battle and you are fighting for freedom. You are fighting for the freedom of not being pursued by some relentless douche bag that doesn't know when the argument is over. You need to put on face that when your enemy sees it he (or she) will flee in fear of being skinned alive, eaten alive, or you swimming in their spilt bowls and doing the macerena. Again in order to accomplish this you need to tap into those emotions that pent up deep down inside you.

Physical Technique

The physical technique does not really have a special name but it does have many styles. These are by far the easiest one to accomplish but it should only be used if the sonic denunciation doesn’t work. Also be aware all of these will land you in jail if you are caught. There are three different styles: Five Crane Dueling Tiger Blunt Strike, Seven Stone Fire Crab Piercing Attack, and 1,000 Scorpion Fierce Monkey Tail Assault or as I like to call them Smash, Stab, and Punch styles.

Smash style maybe one of the easiest to master, but the hardest to incapacitate someone with next to Punch style. First off, when it comes to smash style you will need something blunt. Now what makes smash style so great is that there is veritable arsenal at your disposal in just about any location. When the enemy is busy brow beating you into agreeing with him you should taking in your surroundings identifying what ever is available as a smash weapon. Be on the look out for: rocks, baseball bats, pipes (of any kind as long they are heavy), stop signs, potted plants, tire irons, trash cans, un-broken bottles, chairs, mail boxes, tables, dishes, pots, pans, TVs, antique wood carvings, stereo speakers, whatever - use your imagination. When your opponent refuses to remove him self from you vicinity, give him three verbal warnings. If he (or she) fails to take heed, procure your weapon of choice and proceed to barbarically beat your enemy about the face and head, leaving him for dead. This style can ultimately be the most satisfying of the three styles depending on how badly you wanted to injure your opponent. Also this style is a bit more free form and fluid, often catching the enemy off guard.

Stab style is probably the hardest to master effectively and potentially the most deadly of the three. Be aware that if you just wanted to wound your enemy and let him learn his lesson, this is probably not the proper style. Now stab style can be practiced using relatively simple items but beware that people tend to shy away from knives, shivs, and spears. Those are a bit too obvious. What you need is a pen, because they are lightweight and no one will be suspicious of your carrying a pen in your pocket. The way it works is that you wait for you opponent to look away during his non-stop bitch session and then you strike. If you just want to disfigure him go for the face, stay away from the eyes and he should be scarred for life but still breathing. Now if the enemy has crossed the line go for the neck. Drive the point into his neck as hard and as often as possible. Another possible entry point is the ear or eye. This one is messy so don’t wear white clothes.

Now punch style is potentially the weakest, but you are never with out a weapon and your hands can be quite versatile. What’s nice is the punch style isn’t detectable until you actually hit the opponent. Eye gouging is always an excellent option as well as is a chop to the throat. If you want to test your strength you can punch your adversary in the throat as hard you can see if you crush it. The only real problem with punch style is that your opponent can employ it against you as well. To combat this tactic I suggest pre-arranging an ambush site if you know that you will get into an argument and have some local hoods end the argument for you. There are way too many variables in punch style for my liking and I try to avoid it.

Final Thoughts

Nobody should ever have to get into pointless arguments with douche bags, but life is not always fair. You need to learn how to stop these arguments before they escalate and that is why I implore people to use the peaceful route of shouting “No” at your enemy. But this is not always successful so you are in the right to physically end the argument by attempting to kill the opponent. I say go for it. In the last one standing wins any argument I say. See you next with next article entitled “Must See Foreign Films: A Review”. I say good day to you sir!

-HighPulp