PastPoop

4/18/2003-New U.S. Foreign Policy

After our recent mowing of Iraq and overthrow of Hussein's regime we have reasserted our greatness and shown the pissant nations of the U.N. that we're still not to be fucked with. With that in mind, it's time to embark on further adventures to give the world a U.S. enema and shut the pussy naysayer nations up. Here's a some gravy ideas that, if I was in office, we would complete posthaste.

First, I'd leave the U.N. I'd shut down that fucking building which our tax dollars support, and boot out the groaning delegates. Next, I'd secure the approval of Britain to occupy Canada under the pretext of "protection" from anti-Canadian Mexicans who threaten to invade and secure Canada's rich beer reserves. Annexation and deportations would follow shortly thereafter under the excuse that we need direct access to Alaska to protect our beloved caribou there.

France would obviously protest this action, so we'd deport all the French Canadians to France, and immediately invade France. This would also fall under preventitive measures by announcing that France intended to elect Roman Polanski premier, and he threatens us with terrorist molestations. Terrorism is a great excuse. France would then become our penal colony, thus solving our overcrowded prison issues.

Next up would be Germany. We don't need to invade them, but we do need to pacify them. We should offer them a free hand in the east against Russia. At last they'd have the lebensraum they've wanted for 600 years. Poland and Czecho-Slovakia would be swallowed by this action,but fuck em. Russia would convulse again, but they'd be Germany's problem, so no need to dwell on that. Eventually, I'd coerce Germany to move south of Russia and deal with China, Pakistan, and any Middle East troublemakers.

Hey, why should we do everything?

Time to look farther south on our own continent...

Brazil must die. In fact I'd carpet bomb Portugal for creating that damn country, and let Spain finally own the Spanish peninsula. Brazil however, would not be invaded. It would simply be airlifted and dropped on Cuba as suggested by Vice President Barnyard J. Messiah.

All of this must have you thinking I'm a bastard. Not totally. Spain, Britain, and Scandanavia would be our pals. I'd ensure their friendships. Germany would be a collaboration of convenience as long as they quit preaching peace and just conquered like good Prussian militants. Mongolia would also be a great asset, as I believe they should revive some Genghis Khan attitudes and help Germany mop up China, and be on standby to fist Korea if they misbehave with their nukes.

You must be saying I'm nothing more than oppurtunist dictator. No, I'm merely trying to finally show the world why we earned our right as THE superpower. Russia lost the Cold War fair and square. Suddenly that bred hatred against us because we were the only uber-country left. Well fuck us for actually working to maintain that power. All of this would merely consolidate that which the world knows; we could kick your ass, pull support for your vomit economy, and blockade your ass.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Germany, France and Russia should truly appreciate this notion as we rebuilt France AND Germany after both World Wars. We didn't have to, but we did. So we beat Germany twice and that bred some resentment. Okay, well, you fucked up, we kicked your ass and were nice to repair you. Ingrates. As for France, we saved them twice, yet they say we swallow everything we touch. Their cultural inferiority complex is too apparent. As for Russia, whatever. Nobody listens to them anyway.

The bottom line is we're the best. Everyone hates the top dog and wants to see them fall. It's high fucking time we kicked diplomacy in the balls and just start beating ass. War doesn't work you say? Bullshit. Nations today spit all this verbal ejaculate because they think we won't do shit. What is
needed is some serious riot control on our part. You talk shit, we blockade you, and pull support. You keep it up, we smash your ass. Already a nation on our shit list? You're already gone. Simple and effective.

Let's end this ricockulous world opinion appeasement. To state a cliche; fuck the world. We make or break you, and it's time to start showing a little appreciation. Life is that simple; behave, we help. Be a prick we turn your country into sheetglass. Don't want our help?, even better! help yoursleves for a change, then you wouldn't have to worry about influence at all.

Tough times call for tough measures, we want to be nice, but you pricks had to be scrappy. Time to pay the piper muthafackos. God Bless the U.S.A.

-Insidious_T

(Editor's note)
Aw hell yeah!